Click here to read Roger Ebert’s review of “The Last Airbender”

As I said, I’ve not seen the film; so, I can only comment from the perspective I have: as a big fan of “Avatar: The Last Airbender” and as an occasional fan of M. Night.

1. Everyone needs to get over the whole “race” thing. The characters on the show HAD NO RACE. I respect Ebert very much (and fear his opinion of the film, in general, is accurate), but how the hell can he say the characters were “clearly” Asian? Their race was never discussed on the show. No races were ever discussed on the show. The only “races” were of the four nations, and possibly of the “benders” and “non-benders”. The fact that people can’t get over this speaks much more to them than to M. Night or the people who made the film. Honestly, the appearance of Iroh is of more concern to me than the race of any of the actors.

2. What perceivable reason could there be to have made “The Last Airbender” an animated film? The story has already been animated and amazingly well. Why in the hell would there need to be another animated version of the same story?

3. It sounds as if M. Night chose to go the route of “cartoon violence” with the special effects: meaning, fire doesn’t really burn (except when it’s convenient) that sort of thing. This was, in my opinion, a clearly wrong move. I haven’t seen the film, but that’s what it sounds like. In bringing the film into live-action, M. Night should have recognized that the elements have to be real for something like this to work.

4. 3D can suck a dick. I mean, it can go in search of the rumored “last dick”, hunt it for years, finally decide to join its quest, then suck it dry. That’s what 3D can do. All current 3D technology does is fuck up resolution, camera movement, visual perception of film, and my god-damned movie watching experience.

5. I do not hope the title proves prophetic (I’m assuming Ebert meant that he hopes another film isn’t made, though, the title wouldn’t lead to that). I hope “The Last Airbender” is a blockbuster and they move ahead with their plans to make two more films. “Why?”, You may ask, “If this film is so bad, why would you want them to make two more?” Obviously, they made mistakes with this one, but the source material is too dynamic to just abandon it. Hopefully, they’ll take what they’ve learned from making this one and apply that to the others. Undoubtedly, they’ll choose to make them in 3D, but hopefully they’ll make that choice before making the film (instead of retrofitting it) and that will improve their use of the 3D technology (even though 3D can still suck a dick, remember?)

In summation, I’m sure this film isn’t “great”, or likely isn’t even “good”, but I will still see it, because other people don’t form my opinions.

Everyone, that is, except for our subject, Jenny Miller — played with a remarkable, sheepish exuberance by the lovely Carey Mulligan. There were numerous moments when she was on-screen that I couldn’t help but be reminded of a young Audrey Hepburn’s iconic Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. She’s destined to be a huge actress. Her character, Jenny Miller, begins as a dependent, young girl under the thumb of an over-involved father, gliding seamlessly through the replacement father figure of David Goldman — provided by Peter Sarsgaard — , before becoming a fully realized independent woman made all the stronger by the events we follow her through.

While Mulligan is undoubtedly the breakout star, Peter Sarsgaard’s David Goldman is the definition of charm. Sarsgaard plays the proverbial man every man wants to be and every woman wants to be with to a tee. That is, until we’re forced to feel differently. Jenny falls for David. Jenny’s parents fall for David. It’s impossible for the audience to resist falling for David. It’s just a very well played part.

Speaking of Jenny’s parents, Alfred Molina perfectly embodies the father who thinks he knows just what’s best but is still so eager to live even if vicariously through his daughter, whom he doesn’t realize his smothering has forced into naive decisions.

An Education is hopelessly appealing. From the entrancing Carey Mulligan to the oddly forgivable — even still — Peter Sarsgaard, this film dares you to dislike it and you can only give a polite nod and follow along. For instance, there’s one scene; Rarely is one particular scene so precisely machined as to wholly encompass a film’s entirety. The birthday party in An Education manages not only to do this, but it handily evokes the exact thoughts and emotions we should have been feeling on just what it is we’re  seeing happen to this young girl’s world.

There’s not one thing I didn’t like about An Education. It’s happy, it’s sad. It’s lovely, it’s seedy. It knows nothing all the while providing the viewer with, yes, an education.

http://www.accesshollywood.com/jay-leno-heading-back-to-late-night-conan-obrien-weighing-options_article_27490

As if there was any doubt left that NBC is ran by morons — even with the initial move of Leno to primetime — now they’re apparently bending over for Leno again. I want to be clear, I’m a huge fan of late night comedy in general. I was apprehensive toward the primetime show, but I was still happy to get more late night comedy. Also, I like Leno. It just seems like Jay’s acting like a scorned child on the verge of a tantrum. With his history of great ratings for NBC; it’s understandable that they would want to keep him around (and happy), but anyone viewing “The Jay Leno Show” can see he hasn’t been happy with leaving “The Tonight Show” at any time. His comedy has gotten tired and his delivery is border-line depressed. There has been a clear drop-off in the quality of Leno overall.

Meanwhile, Conan O’brien has been his complete and total self. Nothing about Conan is different at all. If anything; he’s giddy (which is evidenced by his apparent willingness to move to midnight). It’s not Conan’s fault “The Jay Leno Show” sucks. Just in recent nights, Leno told a joke; “A new poll shows women want men with tight stomachs and big muscles… unfortunately, most men like that also want men with tight stomachs and big muscles” (paraphrase)… he told almost the exact same joke like three months ago. It’s like nobody at that show is even trying. Their attitude about the whole thing felt like; “Oh, we’re moving to primetime… now everything else will take care of itself”. Ridiculous.

The timeframe, of this whole “experiment”, makes no sense. Why are they panicking after such a short time? The Comcast deal? Could be. They’re just a sinking ship and the band isn’t even sticking around.

It’s been suggested that Conan should follow Letterman and jump to a rival network, which is viable; I just think it will all come out in the wash and Conan will — could — “save” the network and “The Tonight Show” or at least be seen as having done that; all the while not changing himself in the least.

* “It’s getting late early” is a paraphrase of a quote from Yogi Berra.

Your voice is so tolerable now!
I can totally hear this being said at Thanksgiving dinner. You haven’t seen your mother-in-law for a few months, maybe she’s just gotten over a case of laryngitis, and you’re trying to fill those awkward moments between second dessert and unzipping your pants in front of football. What? She can’t take a compliment? Stuck-up whore, should have buried her alive when you had the chance.

Have you gained IQ points?
I’ve actually heard a variation of this one posed to a family member (from a family member) and not that kind of soft-insult humor either; it was said in complete honesty… and the recipient did not get it. Perhaps the appropriate answer to the question was, “No”.

You’ve still got a job?
We all know at least two or seven of those guys (I am one! Yet again, I fit a mold!). This is one you expect to hear from the mother-in-law, perhaps as a response to the voice comment? Why’s your mother-in-law such a bitch?

Your penis is so cute
At least we don’t have to worry about that pesky “left or right” question, right? Did I say “we”? I meant you… you don’t have to worry. No guy wants to hear this, but you know they have. Imagine it was like losing weight, “Your penis is getting so small! Pretty soon you won’t be able to please me at all!”

Have you ever gotten the “you’re so whatever” treatment?

In case you don’t know Mamma Mia! is about a chick who’s just little too giddy about learning her mom used to be the island bicycle. The girl’s getting married and she invited her three possible fathers to the wedding. That’s all I’m giving you, and really, that’s all there is.

The only thing that got me through this movie is that it’s based on ABBA songs (if you don’t like ABBA, you don’t know ABBA). After a while, and not being given any reason to care for the characters of this film, I just started waiting for the next song to come along. These songs are entertaining even when sung badly; which just happens to be the case here. I mean, Pierce Brosnan in a musical? Do what? I’m a fan of Pierce Brosnan, but this is supposedly a romantic comedy and the only times I found myself with the urge to laugh was when he was singing… and I’m fairly certain that wasn’t the intention.

There’s just nothing here beyond the music, and if you think, “well, that’s a musical” go watch Moulin Rouge, or Chicago, or freakin’ Dreamgirls. Even Hairspray, which I do not like, has some modicum of substance. While Mamma Mia! does have its moments, they can all be completely attributed to the music. You feel no contribution from acting, directing, and especially writing. If that’s going to be the case, then why spend two hours listening to bad renditions of good songs forced into an idiotic plot? Just buy ABBA’s greatest hits and save having to put up with a bad movie.

So they may have been lost, but hey, war is hell. There’ll be new recruits, redemption is afoot, and I believe we all know who I’m referring to. I’ve long thought Miley Cyrus would be lured to the dark side, but more to the area of Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan (you know, getting drunk and not wearing underpants). I’ve slowly come to think she’s got more potential than I give her credit for. I mean, first she posed for that magazine and then those other pictures were leaked of her and her friends. We could be witnessing something here. As a plus, she only has to survive 3-4 years in the business without going Twiggy LunchStopping or snorting Mr. KoolAid. I think she could make it.

After reading Kevin’s blog today wherein he linked to this picture, I believe we can officially start the countdown. Hugh Hefner is still chasing his white whale of the Olsen twins, but he needs to wake up and aim his harpoon at something with meat on it. That circus has left town. A new show is rolling in and it’s a country fair. Come on, Hefner, get on that.

Do you think Miley Cyrus will pose for Playboy when she turns 18, will she somehow fall apart before then, or will she just take the pictures herself with her cell phone and send them out with the Christmas cards?

It’s subliminal hypnosis. There’s no other answer. Why else would I, a seemingly heterosexual male, choose to subject myself to mindless rants from liquored-up skanks met with empty empathy from unassuming dudes? I mean how often can women really crawl into bed, hug a pillow and cry into it? It’s not humanly possible. Then there’s those pre-taped outros from Julie Chen’s bobble head looking to have been hammered by the fuckup shovel. As I droned on, blankly fixated, I tried to ignore the fact that two chicks look like they could be related to me, one reminds me of a girl I new in high school (slutty bitch), the black guy looks like a druggie I got into a fight with in school (pothead bastard), and the old man creeps me the hell out (bicycle shop). It’s like an even less understandable game of The Sims that you can’t control… if you could, I have a feeling there’d be a whole lot of putting’em in a doorless room till they die.

Could someone please explain to me, without referring to Orwellian thought police or the fact that 1984 lends more to this shitty show than the base for its name, why is Big Brother such a freaking big deal? Are there really that many sheeple out there?

How could they improve all-star weekend’s utilization of “celebrities”?

Ooh, they could have a reality show softball league. Although, there wouldn’t be nearly enough death. They could play dodgeball and fill it with nitroglycerin. That’s a hell of a show. Put that on pay-per-view. You could even give them live ammunition and have cocaine as the award. Do you know how many celebrities would sign up for that shit? Now that’s a festivity worth watching.

How about an STD raffle? First you lure in some annoying freaks, you know like all the terrific human beings from shows like Laguna Beach and The Hills, with promises of hair gel and spray tan for the winner of the fakest personality contest. Then you lock them in a barn with rabid farm animals and drunken New Jersey hookers. At this point you could draw numbers for arbitrary creams and ointments.

Actually, the best use, would probably be the George Carlin approach to the death penalty; catapult them straight into a brick wall one after the other. Highly entertaining and everyone leaves with a feeling of immense accomplishment.

I feel like I’m blogging about sports a lot lately; so I’ll review a movie tomorrow or something.

So, anyway, I shaved down everything but my clit-tickler and, while I’m no Seth Rogen in Superbad (those handlebars kicked ass) by any means of the imagination, I must say it looks decent. With that said, I was always taught (by the drunken hobos I partied with as a child) that the curtains should match the drapes. At the time I didn’t think it wise to take interior design tips from a man who’s choices had amounted to no more than that of a refrigerator, but I’ve come to realize the wisdom in those slurred words.

Therefore, I gathered together some shaving gel, a disposable razor and let down my pants and became confused (not the first time). This is where your sage advice comes in handy: in the face-to-crotch comparison equation; where exactly does the penis fit in? (also not the first time I had to ask that) You know what I mean, right? Is it a mouth, or is it a nose? You see, if it’s a nose (which I believe is always the case in similar situations for pranks and/or portraits) then the mustache would be placed underneath just so. How’s that going to look? It would be hidden (unless it’s a might cold out) and we can’t have that. Then it’d just look like I’m some Portuguese gigolo out on the town looking for white women and Mexican men. The way I see it is the mustache should be placed on top, out there where it can have its presence known. Although, I can see how some would disagree. Then, all of a sudden, I’m Johnny Crazy-Crotch with the unibrow penis. I don’t know about you, but I can’t be having that on me.

I’m kind of falling out of love with this whole idea. Seriously, what if the fad moves on and I’m stuck here with Giambi balls and it’s parachute pants all over again. Even though I’ve decided against it, I’d still like to know, which is it? A mouth?… or a nose?

A nation waits, people.

Do you think Favre would win if he were running against Obama? Neither do I, but I do know he’d be a hell of a lot more fun than McCain. McCain’s like Al Davis; you know he’s too old to do what he’s doing, but there’s nobody that can really tell him that. Who’s Obama like then? Mark Cuban, maybe? I guess that could fit. I mean, to the old white guys he represents youth and change, which old white guys are apparently against, but if you look at him more closely; he’s really not all that young or different. I suppose it could be said that the Republicans are like Major League Baseball in that they don’t want to let the young maverick into their midst because they thinks he’s too different, but really if he was just allowed in they’d see he’s pretty much just like they are but with less age and more skin pigmentation. Wait, am I talking about Obama or Cuban? I’m not really sure anymore, but how about that: Cuban vs. Favre for the United States presidency? One’s a maverick looking to make some changes and the other’s a set in his ways old dog who sometimes says the wrong things. Although Favre’s usually good in front of a mic and he’s younger than Cuban… and Cuban is always saying controversial things… hmm… One’s a slick maverick with a history of misguided quotes and the other’s slightly younger pressroom fireballer… Although, Cuban isn’t really the maverick people think he is; I mean, just look at his goatee… and Favre’s, well that’s a pretty good description of Favre.

So, it’s a perceived maverick with a history of controversial quotes and bad facial hair decisions versus a slightly younger guy who wants change and just doesn’t know how to go about getting it but makes pretty good speeches. Yep, now that’s an election I could really get behind.