You all know I’m a fat ass, right? Well recently I’ve lost a bit of my fat, but I still have every bit of my ass; so don’t worry, I’m still a card-carrying member of the fat fuck club. Everyone keeps splooging a mancream facial full of compliments in my general direction and it’s really annoying. In all honesty, while not being a Farley anymore, I am still a Belushi and things like “you’ve lost so much weight” do nothing but make me question just exactly how terrible I used to look. This whole situation got me to thinking; what are some similar, just as honest, things you don’t hear quite as often?
Your voice is so tolerable now!
I can totally hear this being said at Thanksgiving dinner. You haven’t seen your mother-in-law for a few months, maybe she’s just gotten over a case of laryngitis, and you’re trying to fill those awkward moments between second dessert and unzipping your pants in front of football. What? She can’t take a compliment? Stuck-up whore, should have buried her alive when you had the chance.
Have you gained IQ points?
I’ve actually heard a variation of this one posed to a family member (from a family member) and not that kind of soft-insult humor either; it was said in complete honesty… and the recipient did not get it. Perhaps the appropriate answer to the question was, “No”.
You’ve still got a job?
We all know at least two or seven of those guys (I am one! Yet again, I fit a mold!). This is one you expect to hear from the mother-in-law, perhaps as a response to the voice comment? Why’s your mother-in-law such a bitch?
Your penis is so cute
At least we don’t have to worry about that pesky “left or right” question, right? Did I say “we”? I meant you… you don’t have to worry. No guy wants to hear this, but you know they have. Imagine it was like losing weight, “Your penis is getting so small! Pretty soon you won’t be able to please me at all!”
Have you ever gotten the “you’re so whatever” treatment?
Filed under: Me, Stupid crap | Tagged: lies, mother-in-law, penis, unemployment, voices, weight-loss
I was at a family get-together today and I heard a lot of “The last time I saw you, you were this tall”, motioning with their hand near their knees. It would explain why I didn’t remember any of them.
All the time about it to be honest with you.
Rove, I watched my brother get that forever. Then I got that for a while, and now I’ve pretty much seen everyone I hadn’t seen in a while. Most of those people are old though; so next month at the family reunion I’ll probably get that same stuff all over again.
What do you get Jerry? The penis one? I think everyone gets the penis one.
I get “have you been in the island? You’re so pale!” …. no shit, it’s called being white, biatch. Geez.
You’re so pale, Fiona!
I get an occasional “your hair looks really cute today!” … did it look like shit yesterday?
heart you~
I have recently lost 30 lbs and I actually don’t mind when people say, “wow, you have lost weight.” I get pissy if they don’t say anything because then I feel like maybe I don’t look better after all. Now if they say “wow, you have lost a TON of weight” that doesn’t sit as well. It is all in the phrasing. And who the hell are these women that have been telling you guys your penis is cute? I thought every woman would know that the word cute should NEVER be used to describe a man’s penis, that’s just wrong.
Kim, I think people who actually say things like this know they’re being jerks.
Theresa, I know, I was so surprised the first three or four times, but now I expect it.
If I have ever received the “you’re so whatever” treatment, I would have automatically dismissed it as being incorrect. Naturally, this is purely on account of my superiority towards everyone else and those who state otherwise are fucking failures. Now then…who wants a fat fuck mancream facial? C’mon you lard ass fucks. Gobble my goo like it was KF fucking C.
I’m trying to balance my realization of failure with my inexplicable desire for fried chicken.
I feel I should now apologise for my abusive behaviour and language in the preceeding comment. If I have offended any semen swallowing people who also happen to suffer from obesity, I am truly sorry for my actions. Furthermore, I assure you that from now on, I will endeavour to be a good natured citizen of the blogosphere. You have my word.
And my bow.
AND MY AXE!
It’s unthinkable that you could have offended engorged swallows.