With All-Star weekend each year we are treated to two things: the homerun derby which always has the potential to do as it did this season and explode with mammoth blasts and the all-star and celebrity softball game which never fails to produce epic fail level mediocrity. That’s not to say I’m not entertained by the idea of huge celebrities and masterful hall of famers duking it out in a grand battle where there’s guaranteed to be major bloodshed and limb-loss, but ideas almost never come to fruition. The truth is, each year, they trot out the same increasingly decrepit hall of famers who struggle to hit out of the infield and decreasingly b-level celebrities in such shape that can only be described as polygonal. This makes me wonder if Mark McGwire will be out there soon in his shriveled glory. Why aren’t Scott Baio and Danny Bonaduce traipsing around out there.
How could they improve all-star weekend’s utilization of “celebrities”?
Ooh, they could have a reality show softball league. Although, there wouldn’t be nearly enough death. They could play dodgeball and fill it with nitroglycerin. That’s a hell of a show. Put that on pay-per-view. You could even give them live ammunition and have cocaine as the award. Do you know how many celebrities would sign up for that shit? Now that’s a festivity worth watching.
How about an STD raffle? First you lure in some annoying freaks, you know like all the terrific human beings from shows like Laguna Beach and The Hills, with promises of hair gel and spray tan for the winner of the fakest personality contest. Then you lock them in a barn with rabid farm animals and drunken New Jersey hookers. At this point you could draw numbers for arbitrary creams and ointments.
Actually, the best use, would probably be the George Carlin approach to the death penalty; catapult them straight into a brick wall one after the other. Highly entertaining and everyone leaves with a feeling of immense accomplishment.
I feel like I’m blogging about sports a lot lately; so I’ll review a movie tomorrow or something.
Filed under: Brilliant ideas | Tagged: baseball, celebrities, death penalty, dodgeball, rabid farm animals, softball, spray tan, STD raffle
Where is Scott Baio these days?
I do like the nitroglycerin idea. It reminded me of the time that one of my friends thought it would be a good idea to try to make his own napalm. That didn’t work out as well as he planned, but it scared the crap out of us when he came running up to our campfire and threw it in.
Last I saw Baio, he was on the toilet, Jerry.
Rove, I guess that put a nix on the s’mores, right?
I agree with pretty much everything you said here, but I must admit, it was almost cool when Kenny Mayne called for a double play and Crystal & Whoopi pulled it off immediately afterwards.
Yeah, Jon, that was a shining moment for the game.