I must’ve been really freakin’ hideous before

You all know I’m a fat ass, right? Well recently I’ve lost a bit of my fat, but I still have every bit of my ass; so don’t worry, I’m still a card-carrying member of the fat fuck club. Everyone keeps splooging a mancream facial full of compliments in my general direction and it’s really [...]

A View from Stadium Seating: Mamma Mia!

You know those music videos that some musicians put out because they want people to think they’re actors; so they spend loads of money, go to an island somewhere, and shoot this elaborate ordeal of convoluted situations filled with extras, bad dialogue, and a contrived plot that loosely fits into whatever their song is about? [...]

Come on, Hefner, get on that

How many of you remember the Olsen twins posing in Playboy? Me neither. That’s because it didn’t happen. For years guys all over the world waited with baited breath for their eighteenth birthday to roll around because, dammit, they’ll be old enough for Playboy. All that anticipation, numerous hours spent staring at online countdowns ticking [...]

I can’t believe I watched Big Brother… for hours…

Many nights I end up surfing for softcore porn to watch for the five or so minutes it takes to fondle myself and fall asleep, but last night, in the absence of such programming, I stumbled across Big Brother After Dark. Why I began watching it? I could lie to myself and say I was [...]

I’m glad softball stats don’t count toward Hall of Fame status

With All-Star weekend each year we are treated to two things: the homerun derby which always has the potential to do as it did this season and explode with mammoth blasts and the all-star and celebrity softball game which never fails to produce epic fail level mediocrity. That’s not to say I’m not entertained by [...]

Is it a mouth… or a nose?

With all the focus on Jason Giambi’s mustachioed mug, and the fact that the humidity here is murder on a bearded man such as myself, I decided to shave off my 2+ month-old face sweater… all but the mustache, that is. That’s right, I’m perfectly fit to deliver a hot pizza to some young meat-lover [...]

Favre for president

Throughout Brett Favre’s career there’s been many a drunken cheesehead wave their equally cheddar signs adorned with those very words, “Favre for president”. Now, while I’m sure each and every one of those diehard Lambeau loons would indeed have voted for Favre in each election since Green Bay traded for him (and I’d bet a [...]

Hello world?

Who says “hello world?” I feel like I just came out of the closet and I’m carrying a spiked dildo. Anyway, I’ve been blogging on MySpace for a while (somewhere in the neighborhood of three years) and I’ve finally got off my ass to move off there. Really, I’m not looking to reinvent the potato [...]